after dinner sneeze

t says: Dear Mr./Mrs./Ms./Miss/Dr. Credit Card Thief,

It has come to my attention that you have stolen my credit card number and used it to make ridiculous purchases at random websites.  I regret to inform you that American Express is sneakier than you are.  Apparently they know me so well (either that or they know your kind so well)  that the moment you attempted a single one of your charges, they contacted me simultaneously by phone and email.  That card has been shredded.  I am not responsible for any of your purchases.  Perhaps you would have had better luck had you purchased food or wine or kitchen contraptions.

Also, know that in an effort to help AmEx, I’ve ratted out any new-to-me vendors with whom I’ve had recent transactions in an effort to find you – I hope you were not so dumb as to have just obtained my credit card info from one of them (or maybe I do hope you were that dumb).  While I realize that in all likelihood you will escape, I do secretly wonder if you’ll get caught like that infamous young couple in Philly who had like a bajillion dollars of purchases using stolen cards.

And so the hunt begins.  Bonne chance.

Sincerely,
t